StockFetcher Forums · General Discussion · JOKES<< 1 ... 21 22 23 24 25 ... 26 >>Post Follow-up
18 posts
msg #100780
Ignore Tripken
5/18/2011 7:19:20 PM

E*Trade Baby Loses Everything

24 posts
msg #101373
Ignore aziam
6/27/2011 9:01:58 PM

Cowboy staggers into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,"This is the cow I slept with last night".
His wife responds,"If you weren't such a dumb*uck, you'd know that's a sheep and not a cow".
Cowboy replies,"If you weren't such an a**hole, you'd know that I was talking to the sheep, not you".

12 posts
msg #101529
Ignore RobtF
7/9/2011 11:32:22 AM

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus knows you're here.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

12,036 posts
msg #102008
Ignore johnpaulca
8/5/2011 12:15:34 AM

In the beginning, God made man.
He gave man a world full of fruits, vegetables, birds, and fish to eat.
God looked down on his creation and said, "This is good." Then, Satan created the 99 cent double cheeseburger. Satan asked man "Do you want fries with that?" Man said, "Make ’em SUPER SIZED!"
Then God created Yogurt and said "THIS is good."
Satan took the yogurt, froze it, and added chocolate, nuts, and sprinkles.
And man started gaining weight.
Then God created running shoes, Lipitor, and said "This is GOOD."
And Satan created Television, VCR’s, microwave popcorn, and pizza delivery.
And man sat on his couch, watching TV and eating popcorn and pizza.
Man gained even more weight.
So, God created coronary artery bypass grafts, PTCA’s with stents, and cardiac rehab.
God then said, "NOW, this IS good."
Then Satan created HMO’s.

18 posts
msg #102518
Ignore Tripken
8/31/2011 11:01:59 AM

Here ya go TRO, your favorite COWS!

6,370 posts
msg #103124
Ignore TheRumpledOne
10/28/2011 8:37:05 AM

Too funny!

18 posts
msg #105127
Ignore Tripken
2/24/2012 8:16:40 AM

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday,
minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims,
shouting anti-American slogans,
with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.

The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah,
shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding
thru the intersection
& ran directly over their car,
crushing it completely,
killing everyone in the car.

For several minutes
I sat in my car thinking to myself,
"Man... that could have been me!"

So today;
bright and early,
I went out and got a job
as a truck driver.

6,370 posts
msg #105152
Ignore TheRumpledOne
2/27/2012 10:50:14 AM

10-4 good buddy!

6,370 posts
msg #105292
Ignore TheRumpledOne
3/7/2012 5:26:29 PM

'Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space, exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . .

So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers The guy leaves, but finds this very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, . . . you people still happy with Barack Obama?"

6,370 posts
msg #105376
Ignore TheRumpledOne
3/11/2012 10:38:19 PM

Sex On Mars

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a horrible headache; She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

StockFetcher Forums · General Discussion · JOKES<< 1 ... 21 22 23 24 25 ... 26 >>Post Follow-up

*** Disclaimer *** does not endorse or suggest any of the securities which are returned in any of the searches or filters. They are provided purely for informational and research purposes. does not recommend particular securities., Vestyl Software, L.L.C. and involved content providers shall not be liable for any errors or delays in the content, or for any actions taken based on the content.

Copyright 2018 - Vestyl Software L.L.C.Terms of Service | License | Questions or comments? Contact Us
EOD Data sources: DDFPlus & CSI Data Quotes delayed during active market hours. Delay times are at least 15 mins for NASDAQ, 20 mins for NYSE and Amex. Delayed intraday data provided by DDFPlus

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.