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12,036 posts
msg #73709
Ignore johnpaulca
4/20/2009 9:15:48 AM

An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing??'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots '

'Three knots?' he asks.

'What's that supposed to mean??'

She says,
'You're knot hard, you're knot in,
and you're knot getting your money back.

12,036 posts
msg #73968
Ignore johnpaulca
4/30/2009 3:50:11 PM

you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts

thinking things through, you will love this!

Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.

room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant

walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked,
'How much money do you make a week?'

little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make

$400 a week ... Why?'

CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed,

'Here's four weeks pay, now
GET OUT and don't come back.'

pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,

'Does anyone here want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'

across the room came a voice, '

Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

12,036 posts
msg #74356
Ignore johnpaulca
5/13/2009 10:25:19 AM

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'


For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

174 posts
msg #74365
Ignore ham1198
5/13/2009 4:52:04 PM

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
little yellow corvette and was pulled over by a woman
police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's
license. She dug through her purse and was getting
progressively more agitated. 'What does it look
like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your
picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her
purse, looked at it, and handed it to the
policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed
it back saying,'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize
you were a cop!.....

83 posts
msg #74465
Ignore conyeuchua
5/16/2009 1:05:36 PM

Disclaimer: I got this info from someone. It not a joke joke but it is quite interesting. I don't know where else to post it, so I post it here, for entertainment.

In 1965 a stock market technician, Charles Collins, theorized that decreased sunspots coincided with declines in stock markets. He had tracked the cycle back to 1872, comparing it to the market indices. More recent speculation suggests that heightened spots/flares coincide with economic and social buoyancy; and a decrease in flares accompanies a declining social mood and economy. The great depression was preceded by a declining sunspot cycle. From 1950 to 2000, says NASA, "the sun activity [frequency of spots/flares] was unusually high." This coincided with the largest economic boom in history.

What now, in 2009? A recent NASA press release says "The sunspot cycle is behaving a little like the stock market. Just when you think it has hit bottom it goes even lower." The NASA release adds: "This is the quietest sun we've seen in almost a century." Reportedly, this "quiet sun" is baffling astronomers. One London professor says they cannot see any signs of this low "flare count" ending soon.

(I've got to credit for much of the above information.)....

12,036 posts
msg #74466
Ignore johnpaulca
5/16/2009 2:46:31 PM

I am sure if you look hard enough you will find a correlation between the stock market and a Wiji board.

12,036 posts
msg #74604
Ignore johnpaulca
5/20/2009 12:37:37 PM

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:


On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

12,036 posts
msg #74605
Ignore johnpaulca
5/20/2009 12:54:05 PM

Welcome to America

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside a Maryland immigration office.

' Good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes,

since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.. PING !
In the distance there could

be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.

'Yes, one more wish.
I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn cloths, and a baseball cap instead

of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Americans. PING !
The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt

and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'
The fairy said 'Tough shit, Mac, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.'
And she disappeared.

12,036 posts
msg #74607
Ignore johnpaulca
5/20/2009 12:55:57 PM

The Aisle Seat

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff,a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.''Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoes and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our peoples? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'


12,036 posts
msg #75201
Ignore johnpaulca
6/8/2009 11:21:14 PM

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides.

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