StockFetcher Forums · General Discussion · JOKES<< 1 ... 6 7 8 9 10 ... 26 >>Post Follow-up
83 posts
msg #58491
Ignore conyeuchua
12/24/2007 9:48:42 PM

Ho Ho Ho
Merry Christmas, everybody!


83 posts
msg #58597
Ignore conyeuchua
12/28/2007 8:28:09 PM

Dr. Seuss and Broker Joe

1 posts
msg #58620
Ignore bfuddled
12/30/2007 4:12:42 PM

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over,
Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before,
he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

12,034 posts
msg #58623
Ignore johnpaulca
12/30/2007 10:37:45 PM

An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over. "What seems to be the trouble young man?" asked the old gentleman. As the officer said, "Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car back there?". To which the old gentleman exclaimed, "Thank you son, I thought I went deaf!!!".

12,034 posts
msg #58850
Ignore johnpaulca
1/9/2008 1:29:21 PM

The Pope and Clinton

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage, in front of a huge crowd. ‘Her Majesty’ and ‘His Holiness’, however, have seen it all before so to make it a little more interesting the senator says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in this crowd go wild?”

He doubts this, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such arrogance, considers what he should do. “That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.”

The senator seriously and presidential candidate doubts this, and tells him this. So the Pope slaps her upside the head. Crowd goes wild.

12,034 posts
msg #58851
Ignore johnpaulca
1/9/2008 1:32:04 PM

Ron Paul, a fiesty Texas Libertarian whose also a physician, has been campaigning for the United States presidency and is (currently) threatening to upend the battle for Republican nomination. While he’s been around forever, even placing 3rd in the 1988 Presidential election, still little is known about him. In classic F&J fashion, we’ll break the ice with a few Ron Paul jokes. Shall we begin?

IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW: Some claim Ron Paul supporters spam online polls, but the truth is they all have the same I.P. address because… Hey! LOOK kittens!

Q: Why doesn’t Ron Paul ever turn off the lights?
A: That kind of on-again / off-again policy is against his principles.

Q: Why does Ron Paul support the Constitution?
A: He remembers when it was signed.

FACT: To a Ron Paul supporter the first 10 amendments to the U.S. Constitution are collectively known as the Bill of Wrongs!

FACT: Never trust a man with two first names.

FACT: Only one man throughout history has ever gotten more respect than Ron Paul. Rodney Dangerfield.

Knock Knock? Who’s There? Ron. Ron Who? Exactly.

Q: How do you know you are in a room with a Ron Paul Supporter?
A: He’ll tell you. (Ok, this one is everywhere)

Q: What will former Vice President Dick Cheney say to President Elect Ron Paul when he bumps into him at the Inauguration Ball?
A: Pardon me.

12,034 posts
msg #59035
Ignore johnpaulca
1/16/2008 11:06:17 AM


Eighth Place: In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate while trying to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker -- who often bragged he was "totally-zoned when he ran" -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily workout.

Sixth Place: While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a local hospital.

Fifth Place: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four cartridges into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place: After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to create some excitement. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of a animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the beast suddenly unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that once again proves..." $hit happens!"

83 posts
msg #59300
Ignore conyeuchua
1/24/2008 10:19:13 PM

Everybody, you'll just have to watch Jim Cramer in this hilarious video and hear Maria laaaauuuuggghhhh


174 posts
msg #59341
Ignore ham1198
1/29/2008 8:06:16 AM

Sexually active woman tells all

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal

lips reduced in size because they were too loose and


Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the

surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully

placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she

immediately calls in the doctor.

"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that

the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you

went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized

because she had the same procedure done some time


"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

Scroll down

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

12,034 posts
msg #59472
Ignore johnpaulca
2/4/2008 4:44:04 PM

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us
so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
> >
Say two Hail Marys!

StockFetcher Forums · General Discussion · JOKES<< 1 ... 6 7 8 9 10 ... 26 >>Post Follow-up

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